Try Sleeping with a Broken Heart
Posted at 10:51 PM in Everyday Drama
Kakakausap ko lang kay Deck sa phone Mr. T! Hindi ko matatago na malungkot ako. Sobrang lungkot. Hindi masyadong makapag-isip utak ko. Siguro resulta na rin ng puyat at pagod at epekto ng alcohol. Tinanong ko na naman sa sarili ko ang lagi kong tinatanong Mr. T!, "Kulang pa ba?". Sa pagkakataong toh, hindi ko na alam. I've loved enough to hurt.
Rams, while he was about to drop me off sa Ortigas kaninang umaga, may na-open siyang topic. He was polite enough not to open it up sa harap kanina ng ibang tao. Napa-isip ako sa mga sinabi ni Rams. Hindi naman ako galit eh Mr. T! Nasaktan lang ako pero wala naman akong karapatan. Siguro, sanay na ko masaktan at magselos ng wala namang karapatan. Hindi ko naman sinasadya na maramdaman ko yun. Kung pwede lang pigilan yung nararamdaman ko eh di sana matagal ko ng pinigilan.
The things you don't know won't hurt you. Sabi ni Deck kanina. Pero para sa kin, it's better to know than to wonder. Okay na sa kin na masaktan ako huwag lang talagang nagmumukha akong tanga. Na hindi ko alam mga nangyayari. Na akala ko okay lang lahat pero maraming nangyayari sa likod ko. Na akala ko na ganito ganyan, pero hindi naman talaga. Mas importante sa kin na alam ko ang katotohanan, kesa isip ako ng isip at nagmumukha na pala akong tanga.
Sometimes, I say things I don't mean. This happens pag nasasaktan ako. Pag naguguluhan mag-isip utak ko. Pag alam kong it's my only way para masaktan din yung nakasakit sa kin. Alam kong masama yun. Pero pag bumalik na ko sa senses ko, nagsosorry naman ako. And I make up for the things I've said. Alam kong mahirap burahin yung mga bagay na nasabi mo na, but at least, nasabi mo. Nakasakit ka nga lang. And siguro, sa mga masakit mong nasabi, baka maparealize yung nasabihan mo nun.
Handang handa na kasi siguro ako magkarelasyon. People often tell me that pag nagkukuwento ko tungkol sa mga lumalapit sa kin. When I want people so badly, I don't look elsewhere. Sa kanila lang ako nakatingin. At sa kanila lang. Sometimes, I expect them to be that way. At mali ako dun. Last night, yet again was a testimony, I met a lot of guys. I even had sex and even 30somes invitations. People were asking for my numbers. Strangers were trying to kiss me here and there and even holding my cock thinking I was so drunk. Still I didn't give in to these things because I've set my mind and heart to this person. Kahit alam kong I don't need to be faithful dahil hindi naman kami.
Nasasaktan ako. Oo. Because I expect people to do the same what I do for me. Tragedy. It will only lead me to a tragic ending Mr. T! I never should expect they do the same. I'm sorry.
I hate this once a upon a time withoug a happy ending. Laging ganito Mr. T! Does it always have to be like this? Kaya ko namang kumapit hanggang sa makakayanan ko eh. Maglelet go lang naman ako kung sasabihin sa kin. Masakit alam ko. Pero kung yun ang gusto nila, who can stop them? Eh kung hindi ko nga sila natulungan ayusin mga issues nila eh. What more stop them from letting me go. Nakakalungkot. I've never been this down.
I thought I know enough about love. Hindi talaga. And will I ever? I don't know. I'm holding on to whatever I'm holding right now. Nobody can tell me to let go or move away. I've always wanted to reach that happy ending. And if it's gonna cost me pains and troubles, I don't care as long as I'll eventually get there. Even if you tell me na bumitiw na ko... 
And oh, that guy over there is Kim Bum from BOF. No, I haven't seen it yet (Duh!) but his soda TVC with Maja Salvador is just so kaka-kilig! He's such a sweetheart 
